It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
Hope we can still get it on
Hope we can still get it on
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
I went to Walmart today..
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
A Redditor walks into a bar
Just kidding, Redditors don’t socialize
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
The meaning of life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years…' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
In college, I was so broke that I couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
Thank goodness Reddit is back up
I was almost productive for a second there!
Two Elves walk into a bar,
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on
The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him. Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"
To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
I have a fear of speed bumps.
I am getting over it, slowly.
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
I wrote an apology in morse code
I call it the remorse code