It be like that
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
I was addicted to soap
but now I'm clean.
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
Power outages delight me.
No text found
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
Tech summits: the one time the men’s bathroom line exceeds the women’s ( @ silicon slopes)
https://ift.tt/31dtPSO
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Extension chords
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
Quick Question Guys. Is it “for fucks sake” or “for fuck sake”?
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
A lemonade seller and the businessman.
A lemonade seller was standing in the hot sun selling lemonade. A customer, who is a businessman approached him and asked him the prices. "$3 for a full glass, $30 for 5 empty ones." Astonished, the businessman asks him, "What is that supposed to mean?" The seller remained silent. After giving it a thought for a while, the customer bought 5 full glasses of lemonade, giving the seller $15 (3×5). He drank all of them quickly and showed the seller 5 empty glasses, "I got 5 empty glasses only for $15, though the cost is $30. You see, what dirty tricks we businessmen are capable of!" The poor lemonade seller says, "Sir, I am an entrepreneur. You see I made you buy 5 glasses for no reason at all?" Edit : Ignore bad grammar please.
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
I love the smell of my f5 key…
It is very refreshing
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
Two lesbians go on a date, who pays for it?
The guys that think they're on a double date
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple. "Who is it?" "It's Mark." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in." At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
I found r/atheism the other day
Still can't believe it