It be like that
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins…
She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
Why did the soda factory worker quit his job?
It was too much fizzical labor.
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
Did you hear about the canine comedian?
His jokes are ruff
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
My wife asked me “Where’d you learn to make ice cream so well?”
Me: “Sundae School.”
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
Did you hear about the butcher that sat on his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I won today.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
Everybody is shocked….
When they realize I’m not an electrician.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp (xPost)
http://bit.ly/2WXImOS
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because bugs are attracted to light
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
I lost my mood ring today.
I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
I was surprised to find that “Trailer Park Barbie” doesn’t come with bruising on her body
Then I realized battery not included
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity