It be like that
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
No text found
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Who has two thumbs and isn’t afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
Edit: 1 thumb Edit:0thumbs
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
Do you remember what happened in 1997?
No Biggie.
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,
“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.” So the woman leaves. A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I apologize miss, but we’ll be out of tomatoes for the next few days. Actually, weren’t you in earlier today also? How about you give me your number and we’ll call when our shipment comes in.” So she gives him the number and leaves again. Just before the market is getting ready to close, the same woman comes in again and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes” The clerk, exasperated, pulls the woman aside and asks her, “Lady, what would you get if you took the sun out of a sunflower? The woman, sort of confused thinks and then replies, “well, I guess you’d have just a flower.” He says, “Great. Now, what would you get if you took the orange out of orange juice?” The woman, proud of herself responds, “you’d have only juice.” “Okay, good job. Now, what do you get if you take the fuck out of tomatoes?” Perplexed, she finally responds, “wait a minute, there’s no fuck in tomatoes.” He yells in her face, “That’s right, there’s no fuckin’ tomatoes!!!”
Founder argues that we should be concerned with data equality rather than data privacy
https://ift.tt/2L8kSTD
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.