It can’t always be convenient.
Most puns make me feel numb.
Math posts make me feel number.
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “One whiskey and ………………. one coke.
"Why the big pause?" – says the bartender. "I don't know. I was born with them" – says the bear.
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
How can you tell all ants are female?
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
What Apple interviews must be like for Software Engineers post iOS 14 (Virtual Onsite Zoom)
https://youtu.be/QR5v579LsWA
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it…….followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting. When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.