It can’t be that bad.
Aspen colonies are the world’s largest organisms, consisting of up to 40,000 trees in one root network
Aspen colonies are the world’s largest organisms, consisting of up to 40,000 trees in one root network
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
Right before I die, i’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.
My cremation is going to be epic.
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
Never smoking weed with Mexicans again
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
spotted this one in a local weekly newspaper!! stoked to find one in the wild!
https://ift.tt/2K2oOVZ
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
I took the rear view mirror out of my car
i haven't looked back since
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
Redditors: please be careful this holiday season
Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots … I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: I took a cab. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
