I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
He was too far out, man
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh… No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Add a nipple to it.
It’s where you go if you don’t believe in gosh.
It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
Unfortunately, she blew it!
The rabbit says “I’m pretty sure I’m a type-o”
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!" The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms." The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
It was a miner injury.
Beat it. We’re closed
I'm under a lot of pressure
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
She looked surprised…