It didn’t take long
What did E.T.’s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
Kid: what does a condom do?
Dad: nothing, apparently.
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
A weekly newsletter of unhinged email chains sourced from thousands of real boomers
https://boomer.email
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
![[OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/mix984y2num41.gif)
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
I work in a shop called The Masochist.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump…
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. ~Emo Philips, the best religious joke of all time according to someone
I had sex with a blind girl yesterday
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
Never date an apostrophe.
They're too possessive.
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
