It do be like that
Nothing tops a plain pizza.
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I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing
And it’s discussing fucking.
I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake….
There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. EDIT: holy crap this is my most upvoted post. Thank you all!
Late-Night Confessions: Who Else Struggles to Sleep Early? 😅
Late-Night Confessions: Who Else Struggles to Sleep Early? 😅
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
