Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT 😩
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT 😩
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
A Mexican magician said,
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus. "But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket. "I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests." "But my fever, the pain in my lungs…what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?" The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
I made a website for orphans
There’s no home page
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no