It do be like that sometimes
What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?
Very little.
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
Trump congratulates state of Kansas after Chiefs win Super Bowl but they play in Missouri
https://ift.tt/38ZLyQv
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
I had a dream I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
