Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?” “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
What’s a bowlers favorite kind of vegetable?
A spare I guess
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
What type of shoes do pedophiles wear?
White vans
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
Did you know Dr. Guillotine was killed with his own device because of his incompetence?
Apparently he was in over his head.
My albino terrier was bleeding and a woman asked “is he ok!?”
I just told her that he was all white.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
Hookers don’t fart
They let out little prosti-toots
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
Christmas is the present holiday.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Thanos has a favorite social media
Snapchat
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”