It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope,
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
It takes guts to be an organ donor
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If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
I don’t get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.
There is a vas deferens between the two.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
Why do religious people not like trigonometry
Cos it's a sin.
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
https://ift.tt/2t64hKV
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!" The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.
"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.