It doesn’t work like that
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
Bouncer?
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Why?" "I don't know who you are and this is my trampoline."
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Today I took all my daughter’s dolls and lined them up by the window facing our grill
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
Wow, I just passed my probability exam.
What were the chances of that?
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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There was a man named John Odd
There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that. So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn't want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing. So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but everytime someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"