It fits in here
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.” “So what is it then?” she asked. I said, “Its a OnePlus.”
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
Not typical young people or wife bashing, but i felt like this was a pretty boomer joke
https://ift.tt/2ZPoEb4
just stole a tesla
now it’s called edison
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
![[NSFW] Triple D Boobs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/sID9hHy-400x659.jpg)
What’s the difference between Constipation and Diarrhea?
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
What’s the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
![Waiting for that message [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/avl5oiV-400x417.jpg)
A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
4 Nuns died in a car accident…
They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
What’s the best time of day?
6:30. Hands down.
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
Did you see Trump’s speech last night?
Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.
Does your dick touch your asshole?
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."