How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
The cornea the better
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.” “So what is it then?” she asked. I said, “Its a OnePlus.”
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
now I only drink for evil
But I laugh harder
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
now it’s called edison
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
Because they had a fight and 2021
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
I havent seen him since 2005
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
The little moron was a little more on.
They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.
They're quite good at twigonometree.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
Because it was well armed.
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
6:30. Hands down.
It was a shitzu.
Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."