It happens every time
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman wander in the desert
After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. Out of nowhere, a genie appears. The genie sais: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try." The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "Us, the english gentlemen, never drink tea with milk." The wall cracks. The American adds: "Us, the american gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work." Again, the wall cracks. Now all left up to the Scotsman, he takes a deep breath and starts: "Us, the scottish gentlemen-" The wall shatters.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
https://ift.tt/3dPzkNv
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Star gazing isn’t very fun
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken…
…they’ve been friends for a long time. One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking. Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?” Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.” So what happens? Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety. The horse is grateful and says “anytime you need me, I’ll be there." So what happens? About a week later, same thing only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud. Horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house but he can’t drive the BMW, runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety. Moral of the story – if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
Why do Navy ships have barcodes on them?
So you can Scandinavian.
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I had donkey meat for the first time.
It tasted like ass.
