I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night….
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
Five blondes walk into a bar
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old
Then she looked in the freezer
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
I was in a job interview today
When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."
The western world
A copypasta
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
A close friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrific end, but a lovely finish.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.