It is a natural law.
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
A girlfriend is like a good US president
I’d love to have one
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!" The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"
If “womb is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom”, then then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
“BOOM” I hope that blew your minds
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, “Olympic.” Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife…
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
Did you hear about the guy trapped inside of a giant cucumber at the bottom of the ocean?
He was really in a pickle.
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers
The Times are rough
