It is in fact the reason
“I’m sorry,” said the barman, “we don’t serve time travellers.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.
80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
Amazing Team Player
The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview. The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it. The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same. He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player. He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?" The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?" The interviewer says "Yes" "Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
Why does no one know what happens after death?
It’s coffindential
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'… she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: ‘You’ll never guess with how many women I’ve slept!’
'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts…
Now she’s a medium.
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.