It is mind blowing.
They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie." The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member. The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um…that's nothing, sweetie." Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk." The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing." The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."
He said, "Make me one with everything. "
Now it's aware wolf
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.
Those damn mooselimbs.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Just don’t pick it up.
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office !
A receding hareline.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
It weighed won ton.
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
By shear coincidence
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
The woman goes into surgery upon arrival and her husband is immediately called to come to the hospital. On arrival the husband is greeted by the surgeon. " You may want to have a seat" the surgeon says. "I have some bad news and some good news" The husband sits down nervously. "What's the bad news?" "Well" the surgeon says "your wife was involved in a car crash and we had to take her in for major surgery. She is alive but we had to take out a part of her brain to keep her alive. Unfortunately. She is unable to walk or talk anymore and will be unable to do anything independently. She will require 24/7 around the clock care, you will need to quit your job and help your wife eat, use the toilet and help feed her" The husband starts crying frantically. "Omg. What's happened to my life? Please please please. Tell me the good news" The surgeon replies "The good news is. I was joking. She's dead"
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"