It is not too harsh.
I just saw a robbery at the Apple store…
I guess that makes me an iWitness!
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
Knowing sign language could really come in handy.
No text found
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
My favorite sex position is “WOW”…
it's where I flip your MOM over
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.
What’s 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
Keep an eye on the volleyball team at prom.
They might spike the punch.
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot For Sale.
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.
He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A penny.” The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?” The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished. “Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!” The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.” Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
Which Witcher knows the answers to all questions?
Geralt of Trivia
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
I’d lose my shit if someone snuck laxatives into my food
No text found
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
The meaning of life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years…' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
