It is not too harsh.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..
“Burger and chips, please.” “Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
I heard my son’s first words today
"Dad where have you been?"
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Every room’s gotta have door,
and that's where I come in.
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
A vampire walks into a bar…
A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily. Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood. Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess…" he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head. "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?" The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival. Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup. "I'm making tea…"
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream
So long boiling water, you will be mist
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Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
