It is true though I’m sorry
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
REQUEST: Does anyone know any jokes about being 2nd in command?
Specifically jokes for a 2nd in command, or 1st Officer to the Captain. Like: "Hi, I'm second in command so I have to drive the ship when the Captain gets seasick." Or "Hi, I'm second in command, which means I do the hard job and the Captain gets credit for it!" I'd be grateful if anyone can share any.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?
Walking! Jk, Rowling
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
What do you call a homeless man with no porridge?
A no-porridge no-home man.
Why do seagulls travel over the sea?
Because if they traveled over the bay, they’d be bagels
The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"
I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears
Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
There once was a woman who had 100 children….
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
I once threw a quarter into the San Andreas…
I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.
Arranged marriage
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird…But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “First girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “Second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” The guy said “I am marrying the one with the biggest boobs”.