It is winter. … I was sitting in my back yard and saw 2 turtle doves in a bare tree.
No text found
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too" Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?" His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
I don’t even know…
I’ve been standing under citrus trees all day.
I feel sublime!
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Akira Yoshino, Nobel Prize in Chemistry (2019) [OC]
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
The real plague.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
Trump’s going to win against Joe
First post. OC.
Day 173 without sex
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
Just spent 8 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a waist of time.
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didn’t see that well.
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
“Hey look I put all the code on one line”
Whoever did this is a genius.
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
They’re already in the room
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..
Saggy yet structural
A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash…
They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused. "My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free of sin". Eager to return to their lives the men all agree, and POOF they appear back on Earth. They stand awestruck, wondering if what they had just experienced was real or just a dream. The thief notices a woman walking with an expensive looking purse. Convinced that he had only imagined the gates of heaven he rushes and attempts to steal the purse and POOF he disappears. Realizing what just happened the others understand that they must truly live without sin. The Irishman looks to his left and sees a pub. "One drink won't hurt" he says as he orders a pint. He lifts the cup to his lips and POOF he disappears. The Jewish schoolboy looks down and sees a coin that fell from the vanishing Irishman's pocket. He bends down to pick it up, fully aware that greed is a sin, and POOF the priest disappears.
I accidentally declared my counter as Int16
Why Can’t I Hold All This Evidence
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
Found one in the wild
I just took off my backpack after my very last college final.
Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders. Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so I’m happy even if you don’t like my joke!
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Alanis Morrisette ironic
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
big brain time
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
Oh how the turntables
L o w e f f o r t
No, Wolf, they’re not watching CNN…
my homie’s facebook feed is blessed
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
Looters gonna loot
If Jehovah could tweet.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Call me water because online school got me bent
Trump accuses all opposition as Fake news agents
Found on facebook (posted by a page about programming???)
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
Sad Rosalind Noises
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
un ironically posted to quora.
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
Even coffee can’t fix this bug
Might wanna check on them
Classic Aunty Acid!
I was really bored in Chemistry.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
Calling them “britches”
The Banana Programmer