It isnt a comic but it is sufficiently boomerang.
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
I am opening a new gay club called ‟Garage Sale”
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
My dad was showing me how to use a bow
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
A proud mom gave birth to twins that she named Juan and Amal.
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
After a date
Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long.
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
I decided to learn sign language.
It’s surprisingly very handy.
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Whose design makes it look as though they reek of urine and egg farts? This cunts…
https://ift.tt/2wlcxbF
Everyone says Asians are bad at driving
I'm starting to think pearl harbour was an accident
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.
I asked what the hell are you doing? He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark. Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
I finished writing my tortilla joke
That's a wrap
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.