It isn’t doesn’t even fit

To beat the crowd.

Short

My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.

And that’s Chris Brown

Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.

That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.

me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?

Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.

It’s nice to have a bit of company…

He was absolutely delighted.

Blue and Yellow combined

So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Now he’s just Dav

But none of them work

More geese on that side.

SOUL POWER

And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.

Beat it. We’re closed

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

What’s the worst about time travel jokes?

A mid-life crisis

I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”

an assassin

…is just a little pail in comparison.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.

The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-

I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

It was the wurst käse scenario.

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

It gives them a lot of wiggle room.

I call it James.

You just add a G, and it’s gone.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."

And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily