It isn’t doesn’t even fit
“Sad ending” massage
Why do riot police go to work early?
To beat the crowd.
When you wrote a new DDOS Tool and you use your victim as QA
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
Job Experience Levels
There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice
And that’s Chris Brown
So close yet so far
Look on the bright side
Science Reddit— explain yourself!
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
Big Nosed Batman
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
F in the chat for my boy
I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares…
It’s nice to have a bit of company…
Press F for respect
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
Makes my job easier.
They’re like dark magic
Rollout of Donald’s new defense strategy
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her.
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
My friend David lost his ID
Now he’s just Dav
I’ve got to hand it to this guy.
This isn’t posted near enough
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
Dumbest super villain of all time
I’m sorry mom
He said decide so why not both
The pinna(cle) of success
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
When comedy turns into tragedy IRL.
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
Douchebag Donnie strikes again
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
Elects “non-politician,” starts a war.
What has two butts and kills people?
I think this one counts, even though admittedly it made me chuckle
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Riiiiiight thanks Github
Today student only shoot teacher 2018 bad.
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
Oh no… they caught us red-handed…
I hate pseudoscience
An Interesting title
OP learns the truth about certain police officers
How to print new line in Spanish…
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
The most honest and true words I’ve ever seen on stackoverflow
Bird pooped reddit logo on my windshield. Kinda cool.
Had to translate it from French
This joke was posted by the user u/propane13 a year ago and it’s brilliant and I thought more people need to see it so here it is (I take absolutely no credit for this)
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
This girl must be a programmer!!!
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
I’m so unfamiliar with the gym these days…
I call it James.
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily