It looks like everytime someone found it they had to add their own shitty comment before reposting it
Why are books so expensive?
Because they're paper view.
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
why cant you hear the pterodactyl pee
because its dead
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
The joke is that this SHOULD be a fake tweet but…it’s real… how .. the …is this real
https://ift.tt/2UtRTPh
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
My wife of 10 years left me because I didn’t do enough chores
It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
Christmas joke
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
You think all these puns on r/dadjokes are bad?
Wait until you sea mine
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
Alligators can grow up to 15 feet…
But most only grow four.