It really be your own sometimes
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
As children do
Husband bad. My mom just sent this gem:
That’s a big NOPE
SQL injection via car.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
Gotta agree with Shaggy.
My penis was in guinness book of world records…
..but then the librarian told me to remove it
As seen in my english textbook. Not sure if it fits, but I found it funny.
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted.
While the rest of you are self quarantined…
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
Is this sub still active?
There hasn’t been a post all year. Happy New Years from New Zealand
No one show Chris Stewart a Thesaurus. He would lose his shit.
I’d vote me. I’d vote me hard.
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
How to beat the system when they ask what something is made of: atoms
It’s like vomiting the most outrageous thing
Thank you stackoverflow
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
Smile they say, somehow the pain goes away.
He loves the poorly educated for a reason
Coding while your PM is testing the feature
Those damn lazy liberal Millenials
No! Wait! Yes…
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
What do you call a communist sniper?
In deep inside every programmer…
How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
Need that cuppa o Joe!!!
Programmer good, users bad
boys i have a test what is this?
*Stay at home intensifies*
pin it on the dopamine
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
What do you call a beehive that has no exits?
Climate change bad
Truth, as someone who lives in the middle
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf…
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
Every generation sucks.
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
I’m an eighthiest
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
When You’re Right, You’re Right
What two words have the most letters?
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
AI is becoming more intelligent!
The fact that I get asked these questions..
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
True true depiction of his wasted time.
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
It is interesting to realise that the Indian Gods are also called Devs
My grandmother just emailed me this so I had to share the lols
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
Solid advice and excellent follow-through
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
It is…. Inevitable
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
As if handling date/time was easy now