It really do be like that…
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
Rosy and Sunday school
Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: “Who created the universe as we know it to be?” At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?” Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?” Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out “Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
Knowing that she will have more money than any of us will have in a life time.
https://ift.tt/2QbPKEP
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
Help me out with my uni assignment by completing this survey :(
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeehttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
An old man was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I put in a cheque for the full amount."
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys