It really do be like that…
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
I saw a lady in tears at the store
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. payitforward
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good.” She walks to her husband and says, “A guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, “Aren't you gonna do anything?” He says, “I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”
My wife wanted to get into “role play” to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route?
Yoda: Off course I am!
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Milk is the fastest thing on Earth.
It's pasteurized before you know it.
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“I’m sorry,” said the barman, “we don’t serve time travellers.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself…
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite
But they're a solid #2
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?
She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
So I texted my crush and asked her, “Are you an ancient artifact,”
“Because I want to date you.”
Shoutout to my grandparents
Because that's the only way they can hear me.