It really pisses me off how this toilet is slightly off center
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
As far as disabilities go, being mute isn’t that bad…
But I can't speak for everyone.
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
I love the F5 key
It's so refreshing
Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, “Oh man, he’s got a gun!”
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
They say sex sells…
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…
In one ear, out the other.
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them: "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she does what she's told. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
“Beatles or Stones?” I asked my son.
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
So I walked into he doctor’s office
He said : “Pick a star sign any star sign.” I said : “Capricorn” And he said : “Nah you got cancer”
I gave away all of my dead batteries
Free of charge.
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
Did you hear about the actress who got stabbed?
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.