It says It’s important to have a balanced meal in hungarian
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a “clever” man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read “TEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJURED”. They ask Temel: “How come you commit such an act?” Temel answers: “Everything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaar”.
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
The FBI had an open position for an assassin…
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Why did the pig cross the road?
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What’s heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
Hey, thanks! (Non-joke)
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…
So I got out of bed to look with him…
