It seems had a hard breakup
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? professor: okay there is one stupid question.
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
All of them, mountains can't jump.
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
4 Nuns died in a car accident…
They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.
I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall.
It was a little condescending
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m thinking of giving it a shot.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian…
Then Soviet…
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, “Uno, Dos…”
But then he disappeared without a Tres….
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied…..
Thanks for the Baghdad
I’m Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but this is fucking ridiculous.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C