It seems to work
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.
I have a complex complex complex…
His sails went through the roof
…but I don’t believe him…
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
He didn't even finish his sentence
Its called inflation.
It ended in a tie! 👔
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
They're both pro-grammars
Where’d the Van Gogh?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
He asks his father "Dad, am I more black or Jewish?" "Why do you ask?" says the father "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and was wondering if I should talk him down to $40 or just take it."
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
No text found
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
They get really annoyed
Take off the ring and your house is gone
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
It was cooked in Greece