It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
What do you give to a sick pig?
Oink-ment
If I had a DeLoreanā¦
Iād probably only drive it from time to time…
āWaiter, will my pizza be long?ā
āNo sir, your pizza will be round.ā
Whatās the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes āWHACKā , āah shitā. A bad skydiver goes āah shitā , āWHACKā
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
āI swear, Iām kicking you out of the house if you donāt stop singing Christmas music.ā
But, baby, itās cold outside!
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
A Transgender goes to a dominatrix
The dominatrix never had a transgender client before, but she was a professional, over 5 years in the field, so she decided to agree to take the job. On the first day, she asked: "How should I refer to you, what pronoun do you go by?" Trans person: "Them". And as time goes by they keep talking and getting to know each other, they even tell jokes. After a couple sessions the trans person says "Hey can you tell me that joke you told yesterday again? It was hilarious!", the dom says sure and tells the joke again, but unsure what's funny about hearing the same joke twice. They keep meeting up, having a laugh, all the while engaging in dom sex. After a few weeks of this, the dominatrix is at a coffee shop with her friend when the trans client shows up and says hi. Her friend, surprised, asks "How do you know him?" "They're a client" the dom replied, "but they have a weird fetish" "What is it?" asked the friend, leaning in to hear some gossip "This sub loves when you tell them the same jokes every day!" Edit: consistency with pronouns
A woman is walking home with her three daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
One company owner asks another: āTell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?ā
Bill replies: āEasy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.ā
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
My wife says Iām getting fat, but in my defense….
Iāve had a lot on my plate recently
![[request] taco fundraising puns](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/no_image_card-76-400x247.png)
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
I aināt sayin she a gold digger
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasnāt her…
āBack in 02ā I said, Sounds much better than February.
My roomate and i did this game where we cleaned up another ones room everyday.
We were maid for each other.
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
Young Virgin Couple
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
I am reading a book called āThe History of Lubricants.ā
Itās non-friction.
