It Snowed last so I made a Snow man
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 – Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
EDIT: For those you who seem to be angered by it, I'm saying the joke Ironically, alright? Sheesh people
Pun in, ten dead.
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.
Kids these days have such great manners
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Oh, about Ye high
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
but none of them work.
Her face lit up when I proposed
"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out. A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep. "Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant. The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head. "Can I… can I get you another?" asks the bartender. The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
But let me give it a shot.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Must be the high Mercury content.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.” “Can you tell me what comes after three?” “Four” “What comes after six?” “Seven” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
Zero, because the change starts with you.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
The Pencil has a point.
…that's Hawai'i roll…
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.