It takes an incredible amount of energy to hate someone this much
He didn't make the cut.
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
It’s parents were in a jam.
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
So I packed my stuff up and right
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
It's a pun-croc band.
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
That way it will never come for me.
Loving the science memes, they keep me sane.
He had no body to go with
He was just too far out, man.
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I know because I kept a log
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
It’s my Heath Ledger.
it can write other words too
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
You have my Word
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
A plasma gun
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
Now I only drink for evil
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
You can say he's bull-headed.
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do
She’s a really big help.
He was a little chili.
She said I wasn't any good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
He’s a small arms dealer…
I will not die in vein!