IT TOOK 100 YEARS?!!!?

Iron.

His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”

I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat. Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts “Rover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!”

I'll let you know.

but to me that's just a minor problem

Let us spray.

It was bread in captivity.

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

At least that’s the word on the street.

Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.

it was groundbreaking

If two or more people have to go to the bathroom, they have to queue

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine!" He explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute…." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.

It becomes theiranium

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

A PDF file

Said Tom, being frank

RIP

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

Because they're all Targets.

I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.

No text found

A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.

In all honesty, I didn’t know she sold flowers.

Because of the tele-ban

It was the least I could do for the guy.

Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma. ​ He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no one would see. So, he decided that he would do it. The husband goes into the room, and the nurses gathered outside of the room with their eyes glued to the monitor, hoping something would come of it. ​ Suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines. The nurses are shocked. ​ The husband comes out of the room, and the nurses immediately ask him what happened. ​ He responds, "I think she choked."

Jerry can

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… “You better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act, on their way back……… 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse……. I think she was a witch!!! 1st drunk: Why would you say that??? 2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum…..She farted in my face and flew out of the window! Edit: wow! Frontpage. This blew up like the doll! I can't correct the typos. My apologies.

It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.