It took me 11 puns to finally make my friend laugh…

When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".

But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

He now makes me pay in advance

So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

I never get a straight answer

For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma

It's almost up to 5 TB.

Strange way to start a conversation….

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same.  When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger."  The class was horrified. Some of them threw up.  "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here."  "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."

I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"

In China, dogs are E10.

5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again?  Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay."

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"

How dairy!

I'm a bad electrician.

No, seriously, it is.