It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
My marriage is like a fairytale
A witch is waiting for me at home
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
I just caught my son googling porn web sites, and I’m completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.
One boy tell the other: “There is an easy way to get what you want”
The other boy said, "How?" "Tell people you know their secret" The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10" The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15" The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit!”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
Instead of going to the beach, many mathematicians are dividing the opposite side of a right triangle over the adjacent side
They say it's a better way to get a tan.
He knows all the racist slogans, but don’t have any idea that they are…Sure, Jan
https://ift.tt/2XMxYMr
The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
The only thing flat earthers have to fear….
Is sphere itself
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
The Government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns…
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.