it totally is!! haha i didn’t realize!!!!!
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
The secret service isn’t allowed to say “get down!” Anymore
Now they have to say, “Donald, duck!”
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
I’m so unfamiliar with the gym these days…
I call it James.
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
I’ve spent the last four years looking for my wife’s killer
but no one will do it
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
French Woman
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
A picture went to jail today,
I think it was framed.
A guy went to a Halloween party wearing regular clothes with his girlfriend sitting on his shoulder…..
…the host said where's your costume? The guy said I'm wearing a costume – I'm a snail. The host said you're a snail? The guy said yes, a snail, and pointed to his girlfriend and said this is Michelle.
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
What does Jesus and a floppy disk have in common?
They both died to become the icon of saving
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
I’ll see you next month
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living…
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.