It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?
Inflation.
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
Valerie
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis." "I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance." The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a K and not a C
You can’t C in the dark
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
