It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
Ha! Laugh Out Loud! Stupid kids and their concern for their “fUtUrE”
The real Dragon was apathy
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis." "I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance." The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Found in the wild. Blogs bad.
Dog is calling…
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
Four people killed after pursuit of UPS truck
Ain’t that the damn true.
He truly is the most vile, hateful president ever.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
take a deep breath and rethink that move
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
not based on a true story
Drugs and Alchohol good, modern living bad.
Only one type of person who thinks this is funny enough to put on their car
Kids are stupid, but not this stupid….
Me too bro. Me too.
A scam is a scam
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
My daily routine
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
WhY cAn’T yOu PrOtEsT pEaCeFuLlY as if no one had tried that
Works every time
Found this in the wild
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
It be like that
Me commenting code like:
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
Comp sci Homework at its best
“What about plasma?”
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
Kill in army good video games bad
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
My teacher said he was impressed by my github activity…
Haha no ear
This is how it works
Tis the season
Ah yes NaCHO3S
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
Terrible Christmas card showing “Modern Day Kids” Christmas list…
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
Tries to restore from previous version
What is the least spoken language in the world?
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
Never forget oppy….
Elects “non-politician,” starts a war.
Man Iran makes mistakes all the time
Translation: I don’t need the Top do I get the rest on sale?
The Struggle Is Real …
Original or Extra Crispy?
Like Comic Con but with Terrorists
This is getting out of hand
Trump supporters be like:
More from the “Really Gen X Humor” files
The almighty leader knows all.
Photographic evidence of Obama shaking hands with a Russian asset
This is how you “all lives matter” dummies look
When my friends and family tell me that I should go to therapy
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a K and not a C
You can’t C in the dark
Everyone handles those errors in their own way
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
“The civil war wasn’t about slavery, it was about states rights!”
Arab boomer humor