It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
Y’know
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmation.
It was the least I could do for him.
A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls. "That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike. "I bet I can do something you can't" he says. "Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots. "Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says "We didn't see anything, you liar" "You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."
Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed?
He was a little chilly.
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
Quarter pounder.
