It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.
We never went back to Thailand.
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
The western world
A copypasta
“They’re just doing their jobs, we don’t know what happened before the incident”
https://ift.tt/2XDVY5z
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
I book a doctor’s appointment.
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
It’s irrational.
Target suggesting I travel over 4500 miles to buy my daughter a $200 bike today.
https://ift.tt/2Y0PiPb
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter: "Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says: "Dear Sir: We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads: "Dear Sir: You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes"
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian
Its like I had never seen herbivore
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline…
But it just kept ringing.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
They’ve been making music for longer than I thought
They’ve been making music for longer than I thought
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab