It was about time too
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
We should have known the Soviet Union would collapse.
There were a lot of red flags.
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
I call my horse Mayo
And sometimes Mayo Neighs. (My dad plays RedDead Redemption and he legitimately caught a horse just to make this joke)
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
The person who invented hand sanitiser…
She must be really rubbing her hands together now!
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
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The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
A Mexican magician said,
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
There’s no such thing as Scottish people.
Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Oldest man on Earth
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world. After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village. The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard. Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?" Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! " Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists… Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life? Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! " Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? " Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine. Gramps: "…….. One day I got lost in the forest….. "