It was almost funny. But you just HAD to, didn’t you?
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
nothing tops a plain hotdog
No text found
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Did you know Dr. Guillotine was killed with his own device because of his incompetence?
Apparently he was in over his head.
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Long Joke
Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster until the train derailed and killed one person. Bob was taken to trial and was found guilty of murder, sentenced to death by electric chair. Now Happytown was no normal town. They strongly believed in religion. This caused the town’s special rule: if a person survives the electric chair for fifteen minutes straight, it is considered divine intervention and they are free to go. So Bob is sent to the electric chair. The executioner offers him his final meal. Bob asks for a single banana. Then, the executioner hooks Bob up to the electric chair and turns it on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still alive and well, so he is let go. Two days later, Bob manages to get his job back as conductor for the Happytown train. Just like before, he decides to see how fast he could go. He goes faster and faster until the train derails once again, killing two people this time. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by the electric chair. Bob shows up to the chair and is offered his last meal by the executioner again. This time, Bob asks for two bananas. He eats the bananas and the the executioner turns on the chair. Low and behold, fifteen minutes later, Bo had not yet come even close to death. The executioner let him go and Bob went on his way. Around a week goes by and Bob manages to get his job back as the conductor (Happytown must have been really desperate for train conductors to hire him once again). Just like the last two times, Bob goes too fast and details the train, killing three people. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by electric chair. When Bob arrived for his execution, he asked for three bananas for his final meal, but the Executioner recognized him and was annoyed. The executioner told Bob “I’ve had enough of this. I’m not just gonna let you get by murdering people again and again, so I’m not letting you have your magic bañas that somehow keep you alive.” The executioner then attached Bob to the chair without giving him his bananas and turned the chair on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still sitting there as if nothing is going on. Astounded, the Executioner stares at Bob and goes, “How are you doing this?” Bob relies, “The bananas have nothing to do with it. I’m just a really bad conductor.”
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
A Jewish mother goes on a flight
The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?” A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?” The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫
I just sang about eight bars.
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
Me after finishing an introductory lesson on HTML pretending to understand the posts here
https://ift.tt/33XO0oi
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?
2 pilots meet
300 people died
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
“There are over 10,000 people using the internet every day.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tn9h6UqFfnU