It was already hot garbage
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
I was telling my friend there’s only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Know what’s remarkable?
Whiteboards.
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
My father’s name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word “apparently”, he would interrupt to shout “A Son Riley!”
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I’d share my favorite joke.
It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind 😉 Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head. Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?" Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?" Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her. Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed" John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed." Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?" Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there." Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?" John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed." Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay." After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy. Jim Bob "What are these things for?" Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant." They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way. About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow… Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?" John Boy "No." Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!" Thank again for cheering me up 🙂
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
I’d tell a Jonestown joke, but
the punchline is too long
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Is this sub still active?
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
How warm is a baby at birth?
Womb temperature.
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
![[OC] Guess The Pun #47 – Suffix to say… (x-post from r/puns)](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-1-400x247.png)
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was
