it was good and they destroyed it
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
They will kill your dog
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids “Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?”
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
The competition was pretty stiff.
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
He tractor down.
“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random. “Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.” She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. “Push, PUSH” the midwife and doctors urged. “You’re almost there!” “The baby! She’s crowning!” “But… what’s that in her HAND???” “It… it looks like…” “Is THIS your card?” a familiar voice said.
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
Then I’ll see what happens
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
if it isn't autocorrect.
Because he is an absolute unit.
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm…she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"
None. It's a hardware problem.
Lunch is on me
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
Guardians of the Galaxy
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
Rest on peace.
But theres too many drawbacks Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!