it was inevitable
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
How did Dr. Frankenstein find where his monster was hiding?
He had a hunch
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
I hate Russian dolls
Theyโre so full of themselves
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I donโt have to listen to it.
โCan you please change my grade?โ
โOf course,โ Tom remarked.
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, Iโm also banned from the maternity ward.
Itโs probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient but not funny.
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, โhey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?โ while reaching for your zipper.
An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, โno, black Betty Itโs ham or lamb.โ
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldnโt drink Mr. Pb again
A man in an interrogation room says โIโm not saying a word without my lawyer present.โ
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so whereโs my present?
Every night I tell my wife Iโm going out for a jog, but I donโt go, and she knows it
Itโs a running joke.
An 18-wheeler filled with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway today.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?
Because he fucking hates Carols.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Me Tarzan, you Jane…
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
A dude walks into a restaurant and says,
"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?" The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of this shit joint?" "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from swearing in this restaurant." "Fuck off!" replies the dude. "And where's the fucking piano?" "What?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf are we? You little piece of shit, show me your fucking piano." "Oh, you're here for the pianist job. Can you play any blues?" says the manager showing the dude the piano. "Of course I fucking can," and the guy plays the most inspiring and beautiful blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's good, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your wife on the couch but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist. The manager is disturbed but asks if he knows jazz. So he proceeds to play the best jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Great!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted to fuck your daughter but she's still at school." The manager gets angry but asks if he knows any ballads, he then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck her under the stars, the moonlight shines off her hairy pussy," he replies. The manager is upset but offers him the job if he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a little bit, until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde the dude has ever seen. She's wearing a see through dress and her tits are falling out the top. She is sitting there with her legs wide open, staring at him. It's too much for him so he runs off to the restroom to yank one out. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager yell "Where's that pianist!?" He just has time to cum and then he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself right, sits down and starts playing his music. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants and dripping jizz on your shoes?" "Know it," he replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
What do you call a man who doesnโt fart in public?
A private tutor.
