It was just not needed
I though it would be easy
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
Feel bad for the people around him
Need a bigger door for sure!
Exactly six years ago, there was a tweet. There’s *always* a tweet.
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
The News Conference we’d all like to see.
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
Sometimes you have to scare your kids a little
Guess Which One…
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
And yet I still wonder why I can never understand anything I’ve written
Installing Xcode Feels Like
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
NNN is officially over…
Donald Trump likes fact checkers
AI will take over the world
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
Also applies to programming code.
I can’t not fix it
The doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer…
So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 20 years.
Maybe this doesn’t apply to every situation
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What’s your pleasure?”.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!” The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm. The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?” The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!” The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?” The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?” The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”
“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” “Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “Yeah, well, it’s like this, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
TALIBAN VS TRUMPISTAN
Tell this to the jock
Some college student I’m friends with on fb has the mentality of a boomer
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
Bill Gates & Steve Jobs in their respective school Tool Shop classes (1970)
What was the name of the werewolf YouTuber?
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
What has two butts and kills people
Here’s a joke about China
When you try to fix a minor bug and expose a fundamental flaw in the core design
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
the true reality we missed out on
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
Extra ketchup pls
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
“Yes, we arson.”
My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old…
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
Got some new requirements today.
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
Debugging multiple threads in Visual Studio
My spirit animal is a half way reheated meatball
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
A Steven King best seller
that just a trashcan
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
What do you want to spend taxes on?
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
Trump is such a tool
Get it now?
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.