It was perfect as it was.
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No text found
Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?
They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I’m like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. “DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
Where do you keep Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
Why does no one know what happens after death?
It’s coffindential
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for
I never get a straight answer
How do you catch a cursor fish?
click bait
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Where do dogs keep their cold summertime treats?
In the pant-ry
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
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I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
My dad texted this to me, I have experienced a tragic loss as my dad is now a boomer
https://ift.tt/2pC1ZBB
A cowboy, who just
moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
